Oh, Baby.

So, I've been having a recurring dream that I have a child. I say dream, it's more like a nightmare. It's incredibly vivid. In it, I wake up and find that I have a baby boy, called Henry, with blonde curly hair and blue eyes. That's all that really happens in this dream.

It's scary for me because I'm not the sort of person who has ever really strongly wanted children. I could only foresee myself having children if I had some kind of by-accident. However, as I am the kind of girl who takes the issue of contraception seriously, I can't see how I might inadvertently get pregnant. I suppose, if I did, I'd roll with it and work it out. But it's not something I am necessarily planning.

I mean, the whole issue of pregnancy and childbirth really freaks me out.

But the bigger issue in hand is what I privately refer to as 'the morph'. I know lots of people that get married - and the morph happens then too - but worse, they have children and they basically deteriorate into dumbness. They cease to be able to have conversations about anything other than pregnancy/the baby they've just had. Or they talk about awful, socially-unacceptable things, like breastfeeding, what it was like to give birth etc. I don't care what anyone says, no-body really wants to know how it feels to squeeze out a watermelon through something that only a grape ought to pass through. I. DON'T. WANT. TO. KNOW.

I mean, there are so many things to talk about at any given time - I just think that women who have just given birth to babies, their world shrinks and becomes so tiny that they don't know how to react to other normal, childless people any more. Some of these women never actually come out the other side of the morph. The change is permanent.

You can tell which women are susceptible to the powers of the morph - these are the women who suddenly have an inexplicable desire to bound home and cook their husbands dinner and wash their socks. They love housework. They want to give up work. They like to bake. They stop going out. I seriously think that this anti-feminist attitude is still out there at work, it's still brainwashing women. And for those that resist 'the morph' they are made to feel like they're abnormal - weird.

Perhaps this is more my issue... it's not necessarily about becoming a mother, it's more about a loss of identity. If you become Mother, does that mean you lose something? It's a bit like titles. A man is always Mr. A woman is initially Miss and she's expected to become Mrs when she gets married, and change her name. If she sticks two fingers up at the world and opts for Ms, there are sniggers as she isn't obeying the status quo. This is why on my email signature at work, I don't use a title. I just use my name. Because I want to avoid this whole issue. It's why I have an issue with changing my surname once I'm married next year. And I don't know how I'll avoid the issues of titles. I wish I was a Dr and then I wouldn't have to do this.

Marriage and parenthood has the capacity to wreak havoc with a woman's sense of identity and who she is. The thing is, I quite like being me. I appreciate one's personality will of course change over the years, but I don't know that I like the change being foisted upon me.